Realest Talks

When it comes to the issue of marriage, some say it should be left to married couples to discuss.

As much as I believe single people can make reasonable judgments about marriage that can be practical for the married- sometimes, it is best to leave some conversations to the married.

Having said that, I believe that being married has given me every right to talk about the things I have observed in the movie SEX LIFE, and establish a stand on those observations.

WHAT IS SEX/LIFE ABOUT?

The movie is about a bored mother of two, named Billie Connelly, whose recent ‘sexual emptiness’ leaves her craving for a wild sexual experience from her past; particularly with her ex-boyfriend (Brad)- a craving that eventually leads to the end of her marriage.

The movie reveals how one’s unresolved past experiences can interfere with or ruin the present. Especially, when it comes to marriage, the experience of one’s past can do much good or damage to the present and future relationships.

4 Lessons about marriage in sex/life

What I have observed in ‘SEX LIFE’ is a combination of what one needs to know about marriage before deciding to get married, as well as understanding the sacrifices one has to offer to maintain that marriage.

• Settle all unresolved issues about your previous relationship before you enter into another.

In season one of the movie ‘SEX LIFE,’ you will realize that Billie Connelly decided to trade her wild and crazy sexual exploration for someone ‘good’ after her ex-boyfriend (Brad) broke her heart.

In her healing phase, she meets her soon-to-be husband, Cooper Connelly- who represents everything good that a woman wants in a man- and decides that he is the right man to be involved with to deal with the heartbreak and escape her past life.

The problem is, Billie did not give herself enough time to deal with her pain and assess every aspect of her relationship with Brad; the good and bad experiences.

She didn’t give herself time to fall out of love with Brad before engaging with Cooper. When you don’t give yourself a chance to confront your feelings or emotions and comprehend what you want, you unknowingly channel all the pain into the next relationship and rely on the person to heal and find happiness.

You use the new partner to escape loneliness and find comfort.  The damage does not happen initially, but as you progress and become more committed to the person or take it to the next level, you will later find all the feelings buried deep inside you resurfacing and haunting your new relationship.

That is why it is important to assess yourself to find out if you are, indeed, ready to begin a new relationship with someone and allow yourself to love afresh or appreciate the love the person gives.

It is imperative to identify the things you want in your next relationship and also observe if the new person can give you what you need. Billie’s failure to deal with all her issues ended up destroying her marriage and breaking Cooper’s ‘good walls.’

Realizing later that she still loves Brad and wants a life with him instead. If you don’t deal with your issues in your previous relationships, you will end up hurting yourself but most importantly the innocent person who has fallen prey to the outcome of your unresolved issues.

• Limit your sexual explorations.

I don’t mean to sound so religious but wild sexual explorations are not healthy, and eventually destroy a good marriage. It breeds unnecessary expectations and compels one to feed those expectations elsewhere when a partner can’t satisfy that.

Having multiple sexual experiences with different people distorts the idea of ‘good sex’ and only burdens one’s sexual expectations in marriage. Our society has made promiscuity the solution to sexual satisfaction in life and marriage.

It is believed that the more sexual explorations you have with yourself and toys, the more you understand what your body needs to feel good. Some married couples even leave their marriage open and give each other the liberty to explore other methods or people to spice up their sex life in the marriage.

Does that help? I don’t think so! A piece of clear evidence is Cooper’s friend, Devon, marriage to his wife, Trina. Their marriage is open and yet they do not find the satisfaction and fulfillment they want to sustain it.

Billie Connelly, though fantasized or reminisce on her wild sex life, she realized that deep down in her heart she doesn’t want such sexual exploration in her marriage with Cooper.

When Trina and Devon invite Cooper and Billie to the sex party, Billie did not enjoy it as much as Cooper did. She realized that she doesn’t want her husband to become like Brad, or walk through that path with Cooper.

This also indicates that she wanted that wildness with Brad and not with any other person. This also proves that having multiple sexual partners to fully explore your sexuality or indulging in sex parties is not the key to your sexual satisfaction.  When you tune your mind, heart, and body to your husband or wife in a quest to understand each other’s needs or wants can bring about a better sex life.

• Marriage is about sacrifice.

Not just marriage, but the success of every romantic relationship requires some sacrifices. The building of any relationship should not rest on one pillar alone. It takes a sacrifice to sustain/divorce a marriage. Sacrifice is not just monetary expectation but time, commitment, love, kindness, fulfilling your promises, etc.

You vowed to be with your partner in sickness and in health. When the toughest time comes you don’t run away- you could divorce and be happy with someone else- but you still love and care for your partner. That is sacrifice.

You meet a lot of interesting people you are sexually attracted to. Yet you stay committed and true to your partner.

You get super angry because your wife or husband did something you detest, but you forgive and forget- understanding that your partner is not flawless, and the marriage will not thrive on anger. You comprehend that you have a past and you can’t let it transcend into the present or the future.

Billie Connelly in ‘SEX LIFE’ didn’t fully understand the sacrifice she needed to give to sustain her marriage with Cooper Connelly. Upon meeting Cooper Connelly, she changed who she is to suit the kind of man Cooper is- that was a big sacrifice.

And when her past crept into her present, it did vast damage to her and Cooper. She could have sacrificed some notions of pleasure with Brad and communicated more with Cooper, what she needed at that moment.

Instead, she let her feelings drive her to act upon them. I am not saying that the sacrifice should come from the wife’s side alone; both partners should be willing to make sacrifices for their marriage.

• Marriage is more than just sex.

Sex is an important aspect of marriage, and it’s partly the reason behind most divorces, but marriage is more than just having legitimate sex. I think most married couples will agree with me that sometimes cuddling, playing games, watching movies, conversing, or taking care of your children is much more preferred to sex.

At times, my husband and I just want to cuddle in bed and talk about life, and business, gossip about our friends, laugh at each other’s jokes, and sleep.

Marriage is about helping your partner progress, discover his/herself, overcome obstacles, succeed in life or become the best version of himself/herself. It is also about creating a family or helping your children grow and thrive in society.

Billie Connelly demonstrates this in Sex Life; upon fantasizing and obsessing about her sexual experience with Brad, she realizes that, it is not just good sex she wants with Brad, but she dreams of settling down with him and creating a family together.

She dreams of a life with Brad where they are living happily in their home and taking care of their children. Despite all the sexual wildness, at a point, she understands that she just wants to be happy with Brad and her kids.

Marriage is Beautiful

When I was getting married, my mom advised me on so many things to expect. I took her advice lightly but later realized that most of the things she said were true. Marriage is difficult but also beautiful. It is for the strong-hearted and minds (the matured- not just in age).

Marriage is for those who understand and are willing to make meaningful sacrifices- people who understand that the vows taken are not just mere words to be treaded on.

Nobody marries fully prepared for what comes next. It is best to learn from those who have already started the journey or are ahead of you and apply the knowledge wherever applicable. Learn what works best for your marriage and avoid unnecessary comparisons that will only destroy your marriage.