I was born into a home where there was no love. I believe I have every reason to say that because that’s exactly how it was. There was no father figure in my life; it was just my mum, my kid sister, and me.
Living with my sister became a constant struggle for my mother’s attention. Apparently, my mum had something against my dad, and she took it out on me.
I grew up to be a very bitter person. I was angry at almost everybody, especially my dad and my mum, who made sure of it. She would always tell me how useless and mediocre my dad was. I resented him.
I became envious of my sister and developed anger toward her. She seemed to get all of my mum’s attention. I didn’t understand why I was treated differently from her. I was older than her, but she went to school while I didn’t.
Every morning, I wake up early to bathe her and dress her up for school. After that, I would come home and help my mum with her food sales. When I asked her why I wasn’t schooling, she said it was because my dad was irresponsible, unlike my sister’s dad, who was a responsible man.
That deepened my hatred towards my dad. I hated him with every fiber of my being.
The Weight of Rejection
The effects I experienced were far from pleasant. Because of the constant pull for attention between my sister and me, I grew up wanting to belong everywhere. The sad part is, I was always trying to please people, just to be loved and to be seen.
It became tough to say NO because I feared that if I did, no one would want to talk to me again. And the result?
- I grew up with low self-esteem and little confidence.
- I lived in my head for so long that I started to see myself only as a victim.
- I resented happy families.
My thought was, “I didn’t get this growing up, why should another child have it?” There was no love in me to give to others. I believed that since I went through pain, every child should too.
I wandered through some dark places in my life, and I wasn’t happy being there. I was envious of people my age. I didn’t know how to love because I was never loved, and I thought that was normal. I never loved myself; I was always seeking to please others, again, never believing I was good enough.
I made bad choices and decisions that I deeply regret, but I can’t go back and undo them.
Evolving: How I Began to Heal After Realizing “I Wasn’t Loved”
I’ve never completely come out of it, but I’m happy that today, I can finally say “no” without feeling bad or thinking twice about it. I believe I’m able to do this because of the Holy Spirit. I had just come out of a relationship that nearly took my sanity away.
I remember praying, asking God to take the pain away. I said, “God, I know nobody sent me into that relationship, but life happened.” Things didn’t work out, and I had to find a way to deal with the pain, and the only place I could turn was to Jesus.
My relationship with God was always a 50/50 thing. I used to wonder why He allowed my parents to be my parents. I often thought, He could have done something about it. Sometimes I even say, He could have let my mum abort me instead of letting me be born into this kind of pain.
I was bitter toward myself. I always found something to be angry about. I used to blame my parents for not loving me, always playing the victim.
But one day, as I sat down reflecting on my life, I felt a strong conviction deep within me, nobody is coming to save me if I don’t save myself.
Finding Clarity and Purpose
Was I not tired of complaining? I became tired of always playing the victim. I realized I wasn’t the only one life had been unkind to. I wasn’t the only person life had shown “pepper.”
I had two choices: I could keep whining and wailing about how unfair life was and remain the same, or I could pick myself up, no matter how painful it was, and shake everything off.
So, I started praying about everything. I began talking more to God. I became friends with my Maker, and I finally realized that I was never a mistake; whatever happened to me does not define me.
My parents may not have loved me, but God loves me. One day, my story will give hope to someone who feels lost, just like I once did.
I stopped blaming people for what happened to me, because wallowing in self-pity only steals the joy of the present. I started loving myself and seeing my worth. Now, I can say “no” without feeling sorry or thinking twice about it.
These days, I don’t worry about who loves me or who doesn’t. I just live my life to the fullest, making sure I please my Lord.
Pick yourself up, because nobody is coming for you. Life can be bitter, but even in the bitterness, people find the strength to rise again. Don’t wait for anyone, get up and keep going.
