If you’ve tried using positive affirmations as a method to boost your confidence, self-worth, or self-acceptance, and it’s not working, that’s because they don’t work like you think they do, and you may need a different method.
I can’t even count the number of times I stood in front of the mirror, trying to chant the better version of myself into taking control of the rest of my day by saying to myself, “I’m confident, I’m powerful, I’m capable, I’m more than enough,” while, on that very day, I definitely did not feel confident or powerful enough.
I’m going to be honest. There are days when that newfound confidence carries me throughout the day, but just like fuel, I run out of that confidence and power flowing through me, and my anxiety takes over.
And I’m sure that if you’re reading this post, you too have experienced this situation before—saying positive affirmations to yourself—and are currently trying to figure out what method can last longer or, if possible, forever.
The Reality of Feeling Insecure
Dearest reader, listen. I know how much it hurts to feel insecure, uncertain, or unworthy in life. These feelings can weaken your spirit and make you feel sick or even throw your emotions into such turmoil that you’re either bitter, angry, or sad all the time. And you hate that feeling because, deep down, you know it’s not who you are.
You really want it to end.
So, you hold on to what you’ve heard popular motivational speakers say—that positive affirmations help. But Dr. Shadé says they don’t work like that.
Who Is Dr. Shadé Zahrai?
If you Google who she is, you’ll find this:
“Dr. Shadé Zahrai is an award-winning behavioral researcher, leadership strategist, and peak-performance educator known for translating complex psychological research into actionable confidence and career-growth strategies.”
But on a personal level, she’s very realistic and practical.
What I love about her is how she incorporates pieces of herself into the methods she shares. Her personal story is a testament to the effectiveness of her strategies. She’s not perfect, and she openly shares that aspect of her life and how she deals with it. That’s what made me follow her on social media.
Why Positive Affirmations Sometimes Backfire
Not long ago, I was watching TikTok videos when I came across one of her interviews with Mel Robbins talking about positive affirmations.
In the video, she said positive affirmations don’t work.
And I said to myself, “No wonder they don’t do much for me.”
This is what she said instead:
“So we see all the time online that we should use positive affirmations. If you don’t feel like you’re enough, tell yourself, ‘I’m enough’ every morning. Now, that doesn’t work if you struggle with self-acceptance. Research shows us that if you struggle with self-acceptance and self-esteem, using positive affirmations backfires and makes you feel worse.”
She explained that positive affirmations don’t work when they contradict what you actually believe.
“Why? Because it contradicts how you see yourself, and there’s a part of your brain, your mind, that goes, ‘Nuh-uh, you’re faking it.’ And you can become even more self-critical.”
Well, no wonder the popular opinion of “fake it till you make it” also backfires at some point.
What Research Suggests You Should Do Instead
According to Dr. Shadé, this is what research supports if you’re struggling with self-acceptance, self-worth, or self-confidence.
You should:
“Use a self-affirming, growth-oriented statement instead. It’s simply: don’t lie to yourself. Just flip it into something that’s growth-minded.”
For example, one area where a lack of self-acceptance shows up is the belief that you’re boring.
Many people don’t want to be too much for others. As a result, they believe they have nothing valuable or meaningful to share. So they tell themselves, “I’m boring.”
According to Dr. Shadé, instead of saying:
“I’m the life of the party. Everyone loves me.”
—which is a positive affirmation that may backfire—you could say:
“I bring a calming and grounded presence to my conversations.”
Notice that you’re not trying to force yourself into becoming someone you’re not. You’re simply reframing your perspective truthfully and constructively.
She also gave another example.
If you feel unlovable, instead of saying:
“I am lovable,”
—which may backfire—you could say:
“I have certain qualities that the right people value.”
Again, it’s simple, realistic, and rooted in truth.
Growth-Oriented Statements Are Different
Mind you, Dr. Shadé is not suggesting that you replace negative thoughts with something toxic or unrealistically positive.
As she explains:
“It’s not flipping it with something that’s almost toxically positive. It’s just shifting into something that is growth-oriented and anchored in truth. And it doesn’t require you to become someone else, which is the beautiful thing.”
And I think that’s where many of us get it wrong.
If you believe you don’t have anything worthwhile to offer people, flipping that belief doesn’t mean inventing qualities you don’t have. It means highlighting the positive qualities you already possess and acknowledging them honestly.
You’re not saying things that aren’t true.
And perhaps that’s why positive affirmations don’t always work the way we expect.
Not Seeking Perfection from Positive Affirmations
Maybe the goal isn’t to convince yourself that you’re perfect.
Maybe the goal is to speak to yourself in a way that is honest, kind, and growth-oriented.
Because lasting confidence isn’t built on pretending, it’s built on truth, self-awareness, and gradual growth.
If you learned something valuable from this post, I’d appreciate it if you shared it with others so they can learn from it too.
