Marriage! This word is at the center of most successful and unsuccessful relationship stories.
Candace Owens, an American author and political commentator, would say marriage is not meant to experiment.
Through my experience as a married woman, and with all the stories I’ve heard about marriage, I can conclude that marriage is beautiful; And I’m not talking about the ceremony performed to usher couples into marriage life. I’m talking about the livelihood of marriage.
Imagine two people vow to love, protect, and stay faithful to each other ‘till death do us part.’ Then they will have to endure pain, loss, and failure. Help each other transform into their best selves. Fight for and against each other. Have their commitment to themselves tested. Break their promises. Hurt each other and learn to forgive. Then grow old together. Isn’t this beautiful? That’s life in its entirety.
This beauty of marriage can also make it scary for some people to take the next because of the fear of uncertainties. That’s why people get ‘cold feet’ when they’re about to get marriage. Fear drops doubtful thoughts in their minds and makes them question their intentions- I’m I ready for this next phase of my life? Is he or she the right person for me? What if I’m wrong? What if the marriage fails? These questions let people call off their weddings or make rush decisions they regret later.
Who can blame them for having these fears? There are many testimonies from people who have had horrible experiences in marriage. Some of them end up giving meaningful advice, while others make it even scarier. Those still married surely will encourage others to get married.
What’s the best you’ve ever received so far in marriage?
This is what Uncle Ebo Whyte, a Ghanaian playwright, has to say about the best advice he received in marriage.
“There are some questions I get asked frequently when people hear that I’ve been married for 40 years. The first is, what is the best advice you ever received in marriage? To answer that, please permit me to tell you a story. About two months to my wedding, I began to develop cold feet. I was tormented by one thought, what if I was making a mistake? What if I was marrying the wrong person? It had nothing to do with Florence. It was just that the reality began to sink in that this was till death do us part. I knew that Florence and I had a good relationship but would it take us all the way till death? What if I woke up after marriage and discovered that I had made a mistake? I began to pray frantically pleading with God to give me a sign that I could go ahead or call it off. Then about a week after I had started praying about this, I found myself tossing in bed. Now, I’m not one of those who struggles to sleep. About 1 am, I came out of my room to stand on the balcony. Now, in those days, I was living in a block of four apartments. The occupant in the other apartment upstairs was a big man married to a big woman in terms of positions they were holding in corporate Ghana. After I had been standing on the balcony for ten minutes, this man also came out of his room and stood on his side of the balcony. He did not acknowledge my presence and I also did not acknowledge him. We stood on the balcony in total silence for about 30 minutes, lost in our thoughts. Then he straightened himself, turned to me and said, ‘James, women are all the same. It doesn’t matter their background or qualifications, women are all the same.’ And then he returned to his room. That is the best advice I ever received on marriage. I don’t think the man knew he was advising me but the moment he said those words to me, all my doubts left me. I realized that it did not really matter what was awaiting me in marriage, we would be alright. His words made me understand that it’s not who I marry but how I marry. To Florence, my wife, thank you for 40 years. And here is to many more years. I love you.”
Uncle Ebo’s story is inspiring, and I think the majority of married men have also had the ‘cold feet’ experience. To what I believe, I think men tend to go through that phase a lot as compared to women. I think women are mostly focused on planning and having the perfect wedding, leaving little room to think about whether they want it or not. Also, our society prepares women for marriage more than they do men. Right from childhood upbringing (especially in the African context), a girl is taught the essence of marriage, how to take care of her family, how to respect a man, and how to deal with situations in marriage. So, she’s already armed with the necessary information to deal with any type of man and raise a successful home.
I don’t agree that “all women are the same.” But from a man’s perspective, I can understand why he thinks that way. In the sense that women want the same things; They want to be heard, seen, appreciated, loved, taken care of, and pampered. If a man is not able to provide these then he gets a negative emotional reaction from the woman. And that breaches the ‘peace’ men crave so much.
Here’s something to take note of- particularly for the men.
Women want peace in their relationships. And it’s funny when all the time men preach out loud about how peace of mind is the number one thing they want in their relationship. What they fail to realize is that women also want peace in their homes. Women also want serenity in their relationships. They do not want their emotions to be ignored, their contributions to be disrespected, or their intelligence to be insulted. Understand these and you’ll be happy in your home.
Back to Uncle Ebo’s advice, women are all the same to an extent, and that goes for men too. Men are all the same, too (to an extent). One piece of advice I received from a majority of married people I know before my wedding was, ‘Learn to resolve conflicts on your own. No third party allowed.’
